I thought when I was younger that I would one day learn what I needed to know. It was sort of a belief that there was some single truth or awareness that could be accessed.

Parts of the wisdom that I did learn seemed like truth to me at the time, but it gradually became dust in my mouth. What served as good advice in one year, in later years seemed childish, or even incorrect. I learnt to question the sources I had held as absolute, and yet I kept learning. One thing I learnt was that it is important to let go of certainty, and to rest in the confidence of uncertainty.

Let me give you an example. I worked for some years in the head office of the SA Police Force as an analyst. My supervisor was interested in my work, but also in my beliefs. He disagreed with my fundamental Christian resistance to evolution and other parts of what I believed. I had constant arguments with him over this subject. It took a lot of emotional energy to argue the toss with my boss, but I stubbornly continued. I thought I was right.

Later on I realised that there was no way of proving either way, that his views were as valid as mine, and ultimately I came to accept that my belief was influenced by my father, and that I could let it go without offending my memory of him. I changed. I let go of my certainty.  I found I was unsure, but that I was confident in my knowledge that this was a faith issue, not something to waste energy trying to convince someone else. I became confident of uncertainty!

The older I got the more I found that apart from love and kindness, there was nothing that could be pinned down or communicated without either the potential to state things incorrectly or have them interpreted incorrectly. Also the people who said they had the truth and their word alone was truth usually turned out to be negative forces in my life.

On the other side, those who humbly offered their stories have mostly been inspirational.

So I began thinking about truth, and the way that when you seem to have nailed it, it dies. But if truth is about loving within your own experience, it lives.

Strangely contradictory.